It has been awhile since I have written, but that is because life has been on a crazy whirlwind. Good, but I feel like I a hamster on a wheel! I keep running, but I am not getting too far! 🙂 The show has closed, school has started, dissertation is inching along, That’s My Grape! is up and running, websites are established, voice over demo is ready for review. . . . and I have settled on my second commandment.
It came to me several weeks ago when I had to “say no” to an extra position at work. I really struggled with the decision, talked to a few friends about it, and then realized that deep down inside, I didn’t want to do it. So why was I trying to convince myself that it was okay to not want to do it? Wasn’t the simple fact that I didn’t want to do it enough? What was causing the guilt that I felt for not wanting to do it? I am figuring out this thyroid/menopause schtuff, already have teacher leader and forensic team responsibilities, am teaching a new class, involved in my own pursuits, have to finish this dissertation, . . . . and then I realized why I struggled with that little, two-letter word.
For some reason, my anxiety-ridden warped thinking causes me to feel that if I say “no,” people will believe that I am turning them down because I am unable to carry out the request. That my ability and intelligence will come into question. If I don’t do this thing, then I will be passed over for the next thing. Even if these wacky thoughts are true, I cannot control these reactions to my response of “no.” The people who made the request will think what they want to think, no matter what I give as an explanation. And, quite truthfully, I don’t owe an explanation in most instances. I need to stand up to myself and be okay with saying “no” when that is what I truly want to say.
And the second commandment was born: It is okay to say no. Really. I am a people-pleaser, I like to be involved, I am social, I get things done, which means that I am often the target of requests. I want to be involved and be a part of so many activities and help so many people. But I can’t do it all, and I am growing weary of being weary from trying to satisfy every one or thing and keep up with my own life. I don’t want to put myself or my hubby or my friends and family second, third, last, or somewhere down the line because I feel like saying “no” will let someone down. I need to trust my gut and listen when my head, heart, and soul are saying “no,” so that my mouth says it, too.
And if someone doesn’t like it, well, that’s just too bad. 😉